Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Sometimes I feel Like the Bible...


This is a vent... sometimes I feel like the bible...

Photo: You may know me, but you have no idea WHO I AM :)
Misunderstood and taken out of context... I'll tell ya, most "Christianist" groups are known for that one (please note I said most, and I'm referring to Christianists, also known as right-winged Christian extremists, this is not a Christian bashing post, as I myself am I Christian - I'm constantly having to post disclaimers, people like to misunderstand me a lot). And they (Christianists) don't just do it to the Bible, they do it to people...

If you have any other point of view (POV) than they do, they don't listen to what you say, and they don't try to understand you. They try to pick it apart word for word so they can argue with it... kind of like politics... this is what our world is become. There's no peace, no hope. There's childish bickering... there are no rational debates... no one trying to learn about the other side's POV.

Heaven forbid you actually try to be civil and provide honest encouragement or solid advice. I try to tell people to be optimistic and find the positive in things - God does everything for a reason. Praise God even in the storm, and wait for the rain to pass. But people are so stuck on judging me, on seeing what they choose to see, not what's really there... all my life I've struggled with people understanding me, really wanting to know me (or rather not know me). We as humans can be so dramatic about things. But if you point this out, a lot of people take so much offense to it.
Deuteronomy 31:6 Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the LORD your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.”

I strive to be calm, decisive, and tactful when choosing the right words on how to talk to people... you have to these days to navigate these scary waters... I try to be a Godly woman when I speak. I strive very hard to put my negative feelings and thoughts to the side - I used to not do this very well, if someone pissed me off, well I told them.

But I'm human. I'm not perfect, but I am growing every day in my walk with Christ. I am striving every day to be more like him and to learn unconditional love for others, no matter our differences. My biggest problem is people who look down on other people for their differences... but I have to work past that resentment I have for people who do this, so that I don't end up doing that to them. I don't want to cast stones or condemn people... I don't want to hurt others to the brink of depression or suicide... I don't want to bully people. I've been bullied and harassed for a good part of my own life. 

I want to be the opposite of what I've been taught in the past by Christianist views in the church's I attended. I want to be a woman of God. A Christ-like person. I don't want to be a view-shoving bigot. I don't want people to think that it's "my way or the high way." Because it's not. I don't expect everyone to conform to my personal views or ideas. I've never expected this - because it is one of the things I despise the most.

But I also don't like having my opinions shoved back at me like I'm so wrong for them, when the other person doesn't even want to try to see the other side's rational. I've done a lot of growing in the past several months with everything I've gone through in my life. I'm still dealing with the fact my husband's family blame me for the separation and almost divorce... while I may have initiated it, and while I may have done somethings I'm not proud of around the time of the separation, they have no clue what I've gone through and put up with for just over 6 years...

I've been asked, why didn't you help him? Why didn't you get him counseling or go to someone? Well, how was I supposed to understand he needed help when he deliberately hid the problem from me? He knew how I felt about the pornography, so he just covered it up... cleared his history. And when I'd find a small trace, he'd lie about it. One time he "did it on purpose to make me mad" because apparently I did something that upset him. Now I wasn't totally naive no, I knew in my heart this was all still going on. But from my POV, I just wasn't good enough for him. I felt degraded and alone. I was disgusted and ashamed. And then when I was the one who decided enough was enough, I got the blame. I was the bad guy, it was my fault. Why didn't I fix my husband's problem??? Another thing that bothers me so much about people - let's blame someone else - no personal accounatbility. It's never our own fault for the problems we have - the choices we make in life. (Reminds me what the church sermon was about this past weekend, and I remember Jen saying we are responsible for ourselves, but we are not responsible for the weight of the world's problems on our shoulders... the sermon title was "God's Remedy for Burnout"... and yes, I got burnt out!) I didn't choose to look at porn. I didn't choose to neglect my family by playing video games all the time. And I didn't just sit by and watch it either... we argued... I constantly asked him to help me out. I begged him to spend more time with his children. I watched the negative impact his excessive gaming had on our son. And no, I wasn't perfect through any of this either...

This isn't a "bash my husband" post - I don't need anyone "misunderstanding" that too... story of my life. My husband has made a total turn around. The past couple of months since he's been back home have been the total opposite of what I've described above. He is becoming a more Godly man, loving husband, and good father every day. He's not perfect, nor am I. We both struggle and make mistakes. That makes us human. But we have both grown to be accountable for our personal mistakes and acknowledge when we're wrong. That makes us men/women of God.

I feel like I'm constantly having to "over-explain" myself because people are so focused on their personal views, that they could care less about how I feel. They could care less about what I've been through, about why I think what I think. About my reasoning. I'm just automatically wrong. The other story of my life... people constantly trying to change or fix me. I'm not broken - let me clarify, I've been broken... I've had things go wrong in life, as does everyone else. But I myself, am not broken because I don't do things the way someone else does, or I don't think the way someone else does... I am just me.

Take me or leave me. God loves me just as I am.


  1. "He's not perfect, nor am I. We both struggle and make mistakes. That makes us human."

    Well said!

  2. Am I right in assuming that it's one of your parents who always automatically assumed you were wrong?

  3. Not just parents, other people around me... in fact my parents accept me a lot more now, but other people don't.

  4. I saw this posted earlier online, and it pretty much sums up how I felt growing up by not just bullies in school, but in my own home, by people at church etc...

    "Welcome to our society. You will be judged on what you wear, what music you listen to, what you look like, how you act, who you hang around with, and on practically every other personal trait and imperfection about you, and you'll be made fun of for being who you are. Enjoy your stay."

    While I understand growing up we need guidance to know basics of right and wrong, there's a big difference in teaching your children to make health choices, and forcing them to make someone else's choices...

  5. Yeah. It's hard to live with people's critical opinions. Most judgments are superficial, and the people don't matter to us. But that's not always true. If it's persistent, like it is for someone with a marked deformity, then I think it could be crippling, at least for a while.

    But when it comes from those close to us, it's a lot more difficult.