Monday, August 27, 2012

Do you Honor Your Spouse's Love Language?

What is your spouse's Love Language? Do you know, or are you looking at me like "what's a love language anyway?" I've listed the "5 Love Languages" from below. You will most likely see one, or more, that describes your Love Language, but what about your spouse? Chances are you don't speak the same Love Language - and if you don't know your spouse's lingo, then you are more than likely trying to show love through your own - and if it is different, this may not be working out too well. :)

  • Words of Affirmation
    Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.
  • Quality Time
    In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.
  • Receiving Gifts
    Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures.
  • Acts of Service
    Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter.
  • Physical Touch
    This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.

    You have to honor your spouse's Love Language... my husband and I didn't really understand this either. Adam's Love Language is Physical Touch, and mine, is not... so I had a huge issue when my husband was always so touchy feely, and I got irritated by it. I just thought it was a "man thing" having to do with wanting sex all the time... when it turns out it is his way of expressing love - which is how he should receive love from me, but not necessarily how he should show it to me. And when I didn't want to be touchy feely, he didn't understand why I didn't want to show him love... and he felt nagged to help around the house. My Love Language falls a little bit in every other category, but mostly Acts of Service. I feel actions speak louder than words - but I don't mean physical, touching actions... I "feel the love" when my husband helps me around the house or with the kids, or when he wants to spend quality time with me that doesn't have to result in sexual time. 

    Now that we've learned how each other feels love, we've learned to deliver love to one another in each other's language. When my husband speaks to me in my lingo, it makes it much easier for me to respond in his. 

    Learn Your Love Language: Love Language Assessments


  1. Very good post Mrs.Sarah. Honor is a key word here. Do you honor him and return his love language in kind? Or do you ignore him when you don't "feel the love"? I ask you this because, my wife and I are working on understanding our love language as well. We are like you and Adam. My love lingo is Physical Touch and my wife is Acts of service. I gladly help around the house and the kids and even sometimes go above and beyond. Just to show her how much I care about her and how much she means to me. And all I would like for her to do is make me feel like she appreciates me. By returning my love language. Now I know, and I think she knows that I'm talking about sexual time, every time. But no. I'm talking about just to kiss, a huge, maybe a back rube, or just hold me. Please don't do this to your husband like my wife does this to me. Don't make excuses to him for not wanting to show him physical affection. And I can tell you that my wife does this all the time. "I'm tired", "Your breath stinks", her favorite "your in my personal space". I can tell you that I get very irritated by this and it just gets harder to preform HER love lingo. And reading your post you said that "he didn't understand why I didn't want to show him love... and he felt nagged to help around the house." This statement sound like you are doing the same thing to Adam as my wife is doing to me.
    I don't mean to nitpick your post, but just telling you that it sounds like my marriage. I am also following your posts on "The Love Dare". Have you been applying it to showing your love languages? Like not being selfish and "love lets the other win" (Day12) and "returning the love & respect he's been earnestly showing". I hope that you have been returning the love in his love lingo and not being selfish. I promise if you do that he will be more willing to give you what you need and you both will be happier together and that (yes as a guy) it pains me to say this but, I know, the he will also be less likely to "want it" (sex) all the time.
    Just try it and you will see. It even may amaze you in the results. Trust me. That is what I would do, only if my wife would return my love language to me. Keep up "The Love Dare" post. It helps. And I bet if Adam reads them it would help both of you too. TTFN

    1. Thanks First-life, great input. And yes, it sounds like your relationship is a lot like ours - but we are working on it. When I said "he didn't understand why I didn't want to show him love... and he felt nagged to help around the house" I meant that in past terms. Now we are both working on speaking in each other's love language a lot more. And You know those "excuses" from your wife - the I'm tired, breath stinks, personal space, they sound all too familiar -bBut from personal experience, she may not intentionally be making an excuse. My husband is working on knowing the difference of when I am really tired (I get tired early, like around 8:30, 9:00... it's just what I've always done, plus I'm taking iron supplements for an iron deficiency anemia which causes severe fatigue if I don't have enough iron in my blood.) Also, I've used the "your breath stinks" but I usually mean it... my husband didn't have the best dental hygiene for a while (3 fillings at his last dental visit) but I've been trying to help hold him accountable for taking better care of his teeth... and personal space - your wife isn't a "touchy feely" kinda gal (sounds like we're a lot alike!) so she may be the kind of person who has that "bubble" she doesn't like infringed upon unless she's "in the mood." Now I'll admit, back before our separation there were plenty of times I "faked a headache" or was "tired" etc as an excuse because we were in such a rut in our marriage that I didn't want him to touch me. I hurried to change before he came in the room because I didn't want him to touch me... But now, I honestly do not purposefully make excuses - if I'm tired, I'm really tired. If I have a headache, I really have a headache. And if I want personal space, well it's a legit request for a little space. I try not to do this all the time, but it's my nature, it's how I am. And my husband is working (and struggling still) to know that these claims are legit and I'm not just making an excuse to get away from him like I used to. It's about spiritual & psychological growth in our marriage. It takes time and effort. :) Our pastor & his wife made a great point in the series they did on marriage - it's about timing. They were talking specifically about communication - if you try to communicate when either of you are irritable, tired, etc it won't go very well... the same can be said for trying to express love (communicate love) while the other is feeling irritable or tired, etc. Sometimes, with a woman you just gotta know when to back off and when to come on. Yes, we're complex and hard to read. :) But if you communicate to your wife that you want to learn this about her, she may be more willing to help. Like just this morning I told my husband that if I'm in the bed, exhausted, eyes closed, just let me go to bed... I need sleep. Don't push me, don't try to spend time with me or snuggle, just let me alone. This doesn't happen every night, but something about the work week (esp. the beginning of it) I'm just extra tired by the time bedtime rolls around. On the weekends, I'm more likely to stay up a little later talking, snuggling, etc. And if during the week I feel up to doing this, I'll come to him. And I told him I'll try harder to show him love by a hug, kiss, etc before bedtime rolls around. But once I hit the pillow and am all snug as a bug I'm only a few minutes away from being out... a lot of women can be like this actually. What they say about women needing their beauty sleep - doesn't always mean physical beauty. I can act very ugly when I don't have enough rest.