Friday, October 21, 2011


I think the reason things get to me so much when people try to attack me is because of my past. All I ever wanted growing up was acceptance. I really try not to let what others say effect me now, but sometimes it is hard - especially when what people say drudges up the past.

Even in my home, I just wanted to fit in. I literally never fit in anywhere. At home I was the problem child, the misfit. Even before I became an actual problem... As a child I wasn't very sociable -- I was content as can be playing by myself. Part of it was I wasn't really taught how to be sociable with other kids. I honestly don't know why I was called the problem child prior to my teen years... and that's probably what pushed me to become a problem. I'd heard for so long that I was one, that I became one. I wasn't a bad, or roudy child... I was quiet, and kept to myself... and apparently that was a problem. It is why I got picked on in school. Why I never had a lot of friends.

And I was always compared to my siblings... why couldn't I be like my stepsiblings, or my sister... if anything I envied them because they were what they were wanted to be. They were wanted, accepted. It was a problem that I didn't like things they did. My problem wasn't only acceptance, but being loved for who I was...

He cries in the corner where nobody sees, He's the kid with the story No one would believe.
He prays every night, "Dear God won't you please, Could you send someone here Who will love me?"

Who will love me for me, Not for what I have done, Or what I will become. Who will love me for me,
'Cause nobody has shown me what love, What love really means.

I was that kid... as a kid it was little things, but as a teen it developed into bigger, real, problems. Sex, drinking, etc. Why? Because those people seemed to care, they accepted me as I was... Were they the wrong people? Sure they were sinners -- just like the rest of us... imperfect people... but the one thing they did do was accept me for who I was.

All my life - my immediate family, my school, even my church - shunned me. Wouldn't just accept me. Wouldn't HELP me. I really felt helpless. But finally, I found who I NEEDED to help me. Who I needed to accept me, and love me. It took some long, hard, and dark roads to get there...the fact is - humans are imperfect. The only blood thicker than water is Jesus' blood.

Then he heard a voice somewhere deep inside, And it said, "I know you've murdered and I know you've lied. And I have watched you suffer all of your life, And now that you'll listen I'll, I'll tell you that I..."

I will love you for you, Not for what you have done, Or what you will become. I will love you for you,
I will give you the love, The love that you never knew, Love you for you, Not for what you have done
Or what you will become,
I will love you for you, I will give you the love, The love that you never knew.

John 3:16  “For God so loved the world,that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.

Romans 5:8 but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

Romans 8:37-39  No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Galatians 2:20 I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.

1 John 3:1  See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are. The reason why the world does not know us is that it did not know him.

1 comment:

  1. I can identify with your situation somewhat. My father always criticized my physical appearance (acne, facial hair, etc.). Everyone else who'd comment on my appearance had only positive things to say, but my father would then tell me it was wrong for people to tell me I was beautiful. Two siblings, however, were perfect. He had nothing but praise for them, intellectual and physical. This sort of thing is still difficult to deal with even after age 30.