Thursday, January 24, 2013

if he lives in my heart shouldnt i let him do the leading? it has been a minute since i posted anything on this blog. and sorry for no caps but my phone doesnt want to seem to totally cooperate so this post may not be grammatically correct. as i lay here tonight, sick as a dog and only a week or two away from a huge change in my life i reflect on what i have learned in the past 6 months... and i figure out how to apply it. to make sure im on the right path. i hear so many ppl say dont trust your heart to guide you, but lead your heart... well if jesus lives in my heart because i let him in, shouldnt i let him lead... its like brad stine said about the bumper sticker that said god is my copilot... um if gods in the car i think i will let him drive.

 i think the ppl who have been so sucked into this lead your heart theory have been so indoctrinated that they are too afraid to trust god that much. this road is not easy for me. this road meant finally coming to grips with the fact i havent been happy, in love, or physically attracted to my husband for several years. that we both have done things wrong, but the fact he would have chose to look at other women through the use of porn instead of me deadened me inside to him. i let him try to fix things, i tried leading my heart as they say back to what everyone around me has always said was right, staying married instead of seeking a divorce. but i was fooling myself. i tried every day to lead my heart but when i finally let go and followed it there was a sense of freedom. and i was taught recently that through god we are free... i didnt really understand it when i heard it and didnt feel truly free in my life. but i do now. our hearts are not free if we are trying to force ourselves to live a life that doesnt mean anything anymore. we only get 1 shot at this... and im letting god lead, im listening to my heart more intuatively than ever. 

this road will be tough. it means leaving behind my children while i get my life back home settled and established... only seeing my babies on holidays and school breaks... it has meant a lot of ppl turning their backs on me, but ive learned a true friend, christian, or someone who loves you would walk through fire with you, fight your fight with you, and stand by your side no matter what. that is the kind of person i want to be to those i love, and this has shown me who the people are who really have my back all the time, not just when im doing it their way...

im tired of people trying to change me because i didnt fit the bill. all my life i was seen as wrong or different or a problem because i wasnt pretty enough or smart enough or sporty enough.... fill  in the blank. well im done letting people try to change or fix me. i can honestly say i believe god is leading me where none of that matters.. that there is life out there and love out there.... that god has set aside one person for another... someone recently told me the love i seek can only be found through god, and basically if i have gods love my miserable life doesnt matter... that the love i seek from another person doesnt exhist... that is their belief, their theory and i respect that, but i dont have to nor do i agree... 

gods love is powerful, but i believe he shows us his love through others who really care... otherwise life would be pretty dull and lonely without others along the way to love and support us... and until a big booming voice tells me what to do, im choosing to let him reside in my heart and guide me... and i will follow.


  1. I pray that your decisions turn out well, and that the charges against your new love prove to be false. In the meantime, rest assured that your children are safe with family and friends who are standing in the gap. They are strong and precious little people.

  2. I got free when I began to lean into my heart and rely less on my head. It is hard to do but essential as wisdom and trust both emanate from the heart.

    Pray that you will find peace in the storm and strength for your journey.